I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
