Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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