I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
