I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
