This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
