I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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