Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
