1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
