I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
