We're like a lot better than the average bears
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
