YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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