I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
