of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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