Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
