I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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