Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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