we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
