I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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