he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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