Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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