I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
