I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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