I wanna passion pit in your ass
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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