1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
