i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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