i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
