I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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