I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
