Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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