why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize