Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
