I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
