tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
