i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
