why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
