I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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