she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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