Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
