Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
