found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
