just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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