absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
