That's when you crack a 10am beer
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
