Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
