that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
