I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
