Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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