i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
