Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need a burrito and a hug.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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