Those balls look pretty dangerous.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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