Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
