trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
