in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
