I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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