we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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