New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
