Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize